How discovering the self does not mean going into despair

This week I was walking through « el camino francese » (as known as the path of St Jacques of Compostelle). I was walking through a real, existent, material hiking trail, under the rain, disguised as a camel with my big bagpack and my raincoat but I was also walking through a indefinite, blurred road.

And as absurd (wink wink) as it seems to be (thinking about Kierkegaard outside of class) I was in, completely in these things that Kierkegaard, Kafka or Darren Aronofsky tried to express.

Firstly the body, the link to time and space, the physical aspect with all issues, limits, images and expectations that come together. Secondly my mind, my soul the infinite part of me according to Kierkegaard, what I think, what I feel, the inside immaterial and magic in a way (how “I” can strictly come from neuronal connections, how complex imagination, how deep thoughts, even how sentences could come from tiny exchanges of molecules). And the last, the faith. Because even if you don't believe in God, there a certain spirituality found in the path I did.

 

So I had my ingredients, but not (obviously) the recipe. Texts, movies can introduce you to key words, can show you more or less neatly the view of the idea but the comprehension, the integration of concepts is up to you.

These notions of freedom, despair, self, itself, frustration were following me, dancing in my head, heavily taking my time. How could I relate the self to me ? I discovered it quickly by climbing a mountain. At the highest point, the view was so beautiful, I dreamt so deeply at this moment, I hoped I could fly. In a way I was sure my spirit could fly. Where were my limits ? Why was it impossible ? My body became a cage. And I could possibly think about body and spirit as two different but not independent things. Different because they didn't aspire to the same goal. Dependent because one is stuck inside of the other, and the other is the slave of the first.

So I had my first comprehension of Kierkegaard with this choice. These two that he's calling with a single word "itself" (not really practical to understand) can't be coherent. The first option was the "not caring about this stuff", vain option because of me being new self conscious about this violent inside fight, it would condemned me to be passive and desperate. And a totally loss of freedom. Or that's the whole point of me. My main right, my main goal is the pursuit of freedom. That is why when I first heard about existentialism I was like "ok that's me", you as your own boss, your own rules writer, free of choices and responsible for them.

The second choice I had in the highest point of the mountain was to try to coordinate the itself with the itself. Even if it was impossible because of the nature of these itself (material, infinite, invisible … my body couldn’t fly) I was at least active, but still desperate.
At the end the relation (the self) condemned me to despair. I had two ingredients so different (like... water and rock) that I could not make a cake (you noticed the natural elements and my hunger ... I was walking 25 km in mountains per day so you should understand). Frustration was intense (mmh a tasty rock/water cake). And not as strong as it could be if I was in a fly body like the Kafka novel (imagine my desires of young adult with an insect body).

Revelation D+1 : so I've made my choice, the less desperate solution I had, my way to freedom or happiness. I wanted to match my « soul » and my material envelope, use my body like a tool, be the image reflecting who I was inside as much as I could.

And in the morning my partner in walk and me had to (guess what there is a mountain) be on time at the highest point of a mountain (big surprise isn't it ?). And we were late. And we were almost dead (our entire body was hurting). But we did it, we climb 1 km in 15 minutes. She said to me after "at any point we could have stopped because our bodies could not anymore". And she was right. We reached the top only thanks to our will.
So I forced my body beyond his limits to obey, to transform itself to correspond to my desire. Was I free ? No, because it was an appointment, because we had to be on point for others.

 

Instead of being proud, I was desperate. Here there are. Thanks Kierkegaard, I really needed that.

Feel like Requiem for a dream during a personal time, with a good friend, at the top of a mountain.

 

My first reaction to this despair was (warning this is a primary feeling) I’m not like them. (talking about Requiem for a dream)

Why ? We have in a way the same self, the same paradox that creates despair. So more than our material differences, the differences of our will, of the act we make came from our techniques to deal with despair. Maybe we can try to hide it, to face it or to face it and fight it, maybe each one struggle differently ?

In the film, the character who appears more miserable to me was the old woman, because she wasn’t self-conscious, because she was unconscious, she choose to pursue goals that did not help her to be happy. She placed happiness out of her, and had an illusion of it. I felt so much pity and dread seen her.

After integrate the despair of the self, the most important thing in my opinion is to move called by Kierkegaard as the engagment. It’s easy to sit down watching the big and unsolving mess of life. « It will not change despite everything. I’m already tired with the idea of climbing a never-ending mountain ». Clearly this is death, this is the give up of the individu in front of his proper self.

I like to think that I’m a warrior. And I like to imagine that I’m free. More, I’m full of joy by thinking happiness is inside. I have in me the faculty of being happy. In consequence, happiness exists, I can touch it, and more important, it’s a choice. And in my opinion, you can’t reach this point without the move (reaction to initial despair).

Being hopeless is motionless. Believe in nothing better bring to suicide. In the same hand if you want to survive, you have to understand the impossible situation of the self, not resign yourself, move in the aim to change (while you can’t fully coordinate spirit and body) your perception of happiness, and (back to basic existentialism) have your own rules instead of following social ones. Tiny equilibrium. Solved by faith said Kierkegaard.

Why not ? Believing in something blurry, magic, impossible, hard to get, invisible can be faith. Faith is the line of optimism. And by faith I mean an explication to hope (there are plenty, I am not sure of one yet). So it avoids giving up. And by yourself you can create your rules, your rules to change and approach the itself 1 and the itself 2, your rules that give you despair because you reach goals (goals meaning happiness is outside of you). You will tell me, this is a denial, the defiant despair, the denial of the fighter who’s running even dead, without knowing where and why. As useless as punching a wall or shouting to the sky. Maybe…

I truly want to believe it’s an evolution of the violent despair mixed with the inconscient despair. A subtle blend between a let it go and a all my energy is gonna violently burn to create my happiness, build my rules to get free, resolve the impossible. Unfortunately I am not right, this is my solution that could even not work on me.

Despair is not a strength, the strength is the hope, and it’s the strength that creates the move.

The self is not unchangeable. You can use body as a tool, it’s a denial of the self and it won ’t give you a real satisfaction but you can low your despair, to force yourself to move.

Quest of happiness or freedom is a long, hard, infinite journey. Full of threats. But I like to say I’m a warrior. Now I’m gonna say that I’m a free peacefull warrior. So … a queen. My proper queen… who have to build her kingdom/world/rules. Vast mission. But I’ve a lifetime and I don’t know maybe more.

 

And, have you a solution ?

Do you think creating your own rules means happiness is outside of you (and you reach it by following your rules) and be condemned to despair or let other rules organize your life, indirectly avoid your self and live free of desperate questions and less free of yourself ?

Is faith a liberator or a jail guard ?

How do you approach your itselfs ?

Can you live being pessimistic ?

Is being cynical a denial ?

Can you really don’t care and consider life as a theater (consequently change roles) without seing yourself as a god ?

Are philosophical questions helping for your happiness ?

Feel free to think without filter, without right answer, but with kindness always (for you or others).

 

 

Clémentine Chaput